My Father sounds too formal, he’s always been Daddy to me. Which seems funny because I’m a 31 year old woman.
He’s my daddy anyway. He was in his late 40′s when I was born, I was the youngest, a child of his old age.(His words not mine.) The baby they never expected. And I was the only one out of four older sisters and one older brother who he ever carried as an infant.
It was a sign I was spoiled my mother would say. It was a sign I was a brat my siblings would say. I was his last child I would say, of course he carried me.
I wish I remembered more of my father when I was younger, I see him in bits and pieces. He worked alot and then he hung out with his friends in his little garage in the very back of our yard. If I snuck back there, because I had to sneek to go back there, I was sent inside for more beers and griped out by my mother for going back there in the first place.
By today’s standards he might have been called distant but he was just a man raised to be the man that he was. He was kind when I had moments with him, I remember that.
I began drawing because of him. One rainy Saturday one of my nieces was drawing a girl’s face and I saw that this got his interest, because he was an artist, a drawer of wild stallions. He put down what he was reading to pick it up and look at it. He smiled and praised it.
I had never really tried to draw before but I picked up a pen to draw then. I was jealous of my father’s attention.
And I soon had it, as soon as he saw my picture. And it filled my heart with joy to the point I thought it would burst out of me. And that’s all I could see at that moment. Every moment after that was filled with moments of trying to gain that again.
Now, I see something else. I see that I stole his attention from my niece – I didn’t let her bask in her heart filled to bursting moment.
And she probably needed that more then I did. It’s something that I think on and regret now that I’m older. I just wanted him to be proud of me.
And he was, many times he has commended me for being talented at baking or being smart or good at drawing. It made up for those moments when I felt like I failed him. Failed him by not being more traditional, failed him by talking back, failed him by “never being the type of woman any man would ever marry.”
I believe my offence was forgetting to get him a drink with his meal and having my eyes flash in anger at the reminder. Because I can bite my tongue if I really, really try to, but I cannot hold back anger from flashing in my eyes. (He shouldn’t knock it though, I get that from him.) And I ended up being the type of woman that two men would marry, although I’d be foolish to make a point of that.
My Father, my daddy is many things. But when I think on it, it’s the things that he never got to be that I wonder at. He was the eldest in a very large family, which meant he had to drop out of school at a very early age to start working. He loves Science and Astronomy and has tried his hand at inventing things but everything he knows has been self taught. I admire him, and I still try to make him proud of me. Every day I try to make him proud of me. I am after all the daughter who looks most like him. ( His words, not mine.)
February 23, 2011 at 4:45 pm -
This is my favorite line:
By today’s standards he might have been called distant but he was just a man raised to be the man that he was.
What a lovely, understanding view of him. And such a beautiful tribute. He is lucky to have you.
(my words, not his. but I’m sure he feels that way…)
julie gardner recently posted..Today call me calloused
February 23, 2011 at 10:36 pm -
Thank you much!
It’s hard to sum up someone with just one post- people are complex creatures.
February 24, 2011 at 5:20 am -
What a beautiful tribute to your father! I smiled straight fromt the beginning because I still call my parents Mommy and Daddy. That’s just who they are.
So much of this resonated with me. My father was 40 when I was born, also from a different generation. And like you (probably like everyone) making him proud is something I’m always trying to do.
Miri recently posted..Just What Does Digital Mean!
February 24, 2011 at 4:57 pm -
It’s hugely a generation thing and a culture thing, when we clash heads, but there truly isn’t anyone else who’s approval means as much to me. Thank you so much!:)
February 24, 2011 at 7:51 pm -
And that is EXACTLY what I thought, when I came to this post.
Your last line…yup, you look EXACTLY like him.
Alexandra recently posted..Whose Life Is This
February 27, 2011 at 12:17 pm -
I think so too, those words always make my dad look happy and make my mom tut. (I get it now if anyone says that about my youngest- what do you mean she looks just like her father? She looks like me too! Lol )
February 25, 2011 at 4:09 am -
Beautifully written. I only ever wanted to make my father proud when I was a girl, and he usually made that pretty easy for me. I hope that my husband knows what a gift he has in our daughter.
Stephanie
Stephanie recently posted..Spaghetti with Lemon
February 27, 2011 at 12:15 pm -
I’m always watching our girls to see how they interact with their daddy, the oldest is a total daddy’s girl right now. Our youngest still prefers my attention- trust me, I want to prolong that.
I always wonder if girls are different then sons, in hat they need to capture their dad’s attention, or if sons do tha too? Or like girls do with their moms, do they try to establish/distinguish themselves as their own person, at the side of their fathers?
February 25, 2011 at 4:42 am -
Wow, I’m still absorbing it all. What a wonderful piece … I couldn’t read fast enough because I wanted more, wanted to know what the next sentance said, it was captivating. What a nice tribute to your father.
Maegan
February 27, 2011 at 12:09 pm -
Thank you so much, I’m long winded sometimes (with my writing anyway), it was hard to keep it from going too long nd I’m really happy that you liked it.
February 25, 2011 at 4:44 am -
I loved this. And hubba hubba…. he was a handsome guy too! Somehow photos of people from that generation look so much better than ours do now. Why is that? They look so dreamy…
I loved the picture you painted of your Dad with words. That’s a great gift!
Sarah recently posted..Irritation That Produces a Pearl
February 27, 2011 at 12:07 pm -
Thank you so much! I think so too, I love old photographs.
And I’m so mentioning the hubba hubba to my Dad, that’s gonna make his week,lol.
February 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm -
I love this-it’s very poignant. I think the relationship between a father and daughter can be so complicated-I know mine was. Now that we are both older-we get along so much better-and he finally feels like my “Daddy” and not the distant Father I grew up with.
Beautiful post!
Valerie recently posted..The Sword Fight
February 27, 2011 at 12:06 pm -
Thank you.
That’s true of us too. I love that about us now that I’m older.
And father/daughter relationships are kinda complicated I think.
Mother/daughter ones? Don’t even get me started! Lol, that’s a post for another day…or a series.
My mom is wonderful by the way, but our relationship is very layered if that makes sense.
February 26, 2011 at 3:49 am -
What a lovely post
Thanks for linking up with my blog for Fledgling Friday! So glad to have you.
MamaRobinJ recently posted..A stellar example of just how much I do not have my shit together
February 27, 2011 at 12:00 pm -
Thank you
And I enjoyed doing it met some cool blogs in the process, very cool actually.