I’m a wash of pastels- which is funny because I’m not a girl drawn to them by any means. Yet I’m covered in them. A faded Hello Kitty comforter in lilac, baby pinks and yellow is wrapped around me, a baby blue, Boppy with yellow diamonds is poking out of it. There is a small pink bundle attached to my left breast. Again. She stops for a moment sighs and taps the area below my collarbone, in appreciation? And attaches and feeds again.
These days are constant breastfeeding it seems. This child is so different from her sister. Her sister didn’t like to be touched in my womb. Hands on my belly would make her glide to the other side of me. Readings were always impossible to get. And breastfeeding was hard and heartbreaking. It always felt like I was forcing her to feed against her will. As if her fight to separate from her mother had begun before her ability to even speak.
But it got better, the breastfeeding eventually became semi-natural. And then it became our bonding time, that time for just us two. She never liked being cuddled too long or fussed over for too long but sometimes she’d give a tight hug before being on her way. Those moments were especially precious to me.
And then I found out I was pregnant again. And my first reaction, as painful as it is to admit it now, was disappointment. This new child would be born before her sister would be two. How was I going to do that? How could I give her the attention that I had given her sister now that there would be two? How would I continue to give her sister enough of my time? I was still breastfeeding big sis when I found I was pregnant and then I had to stop because it was inducing contractions. Weaning didn’t come on her terms as we had planned, they had to come on ours and it was heartbreaking. And in those moments of denying one daughter because of another there was a little resentment.
I look down at my little pink bundle remembering those thoughts and smiling. Because this daughter lived for cuddles, because she was born grasping for me. Breastfeeding was instantaneous and constant, almost like she was never satisfied. I twirl a little black curl from her head with my finger and worry. Did she know? Could she sense that I viewed her as an intrusion at first? A tear falls down my cheek at the thought and then another. The tears fall unwiped because one hand is under her back and the other is still touching her hair and I don’t dare lose that contact. My little doll, my little love, because she is now my love she has it whether I held it back at first or not. I smile and remember the moment. We are on our couch (a slightly shabby hand me down sleeper) in our new home (albeit a small one it fits us), we couldn’t say those words the first time around. The TV is on but I can’t really tell what’s on it, it’s showing one of the endless cartoon lineups that will continue all morning. And big sis was playing with blocks a minute ago but I don’t see her now.
And then I spot her by my feet, she’s trying to pick up a bit of the comforter that covers my right leg but I don’t understand why yet. She finally succeeds getting that bit to stay up and then with a little frustrated grunt she wraps her entire body tightly around my leg. What else could she have grabbed she must have thought, with her momma’s arms so full of her new sister.
The tears start falling again.
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This post was inspired by “The Love of Blogging” prompt. 
January 26, 2011 at 3:28 pm -
WOW! I’m newly pregnant with #2, and am battling the same mix of emotions, as my oldest will only be 21 months when the new addition comes. I’m terrified that I’ll lose my sweet relationship with my first…that he’ll become embittered when I have to spend all of my time under that pastel blanket! Any thoughts or suggestions on things you’ve done to stay in love with your first and let her know she’s still your baby too?
January 26, 2011 at 5:15 pm -
Hi Christa,
It was and still is hard, it feels like they are taking turns with me sometimes. But it’s easier now that they are older and we can all do things together. If I can I spend one on one time with each while the other is busy with something else.
Back then I had to learn to let things go. I tried to spend as much of my new babie’s naptime with my oldest as I could. It definately wasn’t about resting as much as it had been the first time.
January 26, 2011 at 3:47 pm -
Oh! This is so lovely! I have never breastfed, but I can FEEL your love and your sadness and oh…the emotions!
This writing is absolutely beautiful!!!
January 26, 2011 at 5:16 pm -
Thank you so much Katie
that means a lot to me
January 26, 2011 at 5:26 pm -
This made me choke up.
I so remember…I so do.
My first was only 15 mos old when I found out I was pregnant with the second. I held him and cried when I found out.
I felt I didn’t have enough time with just him.
And now this memory trigger? Has me crying again.
This was so beautiful. I”m going to forward it to Nichole at ITSMoments.
January 26, 2011 at 6:23 pm -
Alexandria, thank you so much, I’m a little overwhelmed just now- but I feel very lucky to call you a friend. xx
January 26, 2011 at 5:38 pm -
Thank you for sharing such a difficult and true moment of parenting and bringing another child home.
January 26, 2011 at 5:38 pm -
I only have one 18mo, but hubs has been ready for #2 for a long time now. I worry so much that I will not be able to balance them. And my little guy won’t get enough… Really touching and well written post.
January 26, 2011 at 7:14 pm -
I’m pregnant with my second son, so your post really hit home. My first son will be just over three when his brother is born and yet I still worry how he will handle it. He’s had me all to himself for the last almost 3 years. It’s going to be a hard adjustment. Thank you for your honest words.
January 26, 2011 at 7:29 pm -
Love this. Been there with the constant nursing and can totally imagine what that leg hug must have felt like. How lovely
January 26, 2011 at 9:32 pm -
What a lovely post, thanks for sharing
XxX
January 26, 2011 at 11:15 pm -
Beautiful post.like the first person who commented the age gap between my two will be 21 months when bump is born in April, and I worry how my current baby will react. Xx
January 26, 2011 at 11:46 pm -
That was beautiful and I felt your heartbreak!!
January 27, 2011 at 3:42 am -
Oh my, that was lovely. You captured all of the emotions without making it seem awful, or guilty, just ever so real.
January 27, 2011 at 7:06 am -
Thank you all so much, this was hard to write but I’m really happy that I did. When I got pregnant with my second born, it wasn’t planned, we were actually taking precautions. But I think kids come when they are meant to come sometimes, and we’ve been blessed with both of our girls. It’s nice to know that other’s have gone through these feelings or that they are going through these feelings as well. Hopefully it helps to know ya’ll aren’t the only ones who have felt this way too?
January 27, 2011 at 10:18 am -
Your post took me back to some similar feelings. It certainly was hard for me to wean those babies that had the most difficult time at the start. My youngest turned 4 yesterday. They grow up so quickly! Enjoy every moment!
January 28, 2011 at 3:14 am -
This post is so sweet yet so heart breaking!! I’m the mother to one & I’m pretty scared to have number 2. I’m not sure if this made me feel better or worse about the whole thing! haha!
PS. Thanks for linking up to my blog to helping me test out my Mr. Linky. It worked!
January 29, 2011 at 6:37 am -
Oh, I love this. You have captured these sentiments so heartbreakingly honest and beautifully.
I remember feeling that my second was an intruder at first…so hard to admit now. It’s like I had to mourn the loss of my first baby because now he was a big brother. We both felt that loss deeply. But oh my…my daughter? I couldn’t love her more.
Adjusting to life with two…it’s not easy on any one.
Love this post so much. So glad Nichole featured this on her Small Moments Spotlight.
January 30, 2011 at 6:57 am -
Thnk you so much, I think it’s taking me til now to admit that to myself fully-I hated feeling that way at the time.I was always trying to swallow those feelings.
But now of course we can’t imagine our lives without her. I think our hearts grow to be filled as needed.
January 30, 2011 at 4:22 pm -
This is so wonderful, and so gracefully encompasses my questions about whether to have another. My first was so needy–IS so needy sometimes–that I wonder how I can give him the love he needs and still give a new baby the love that it would need at the same time.
Great job!
January 31, 2011 at 10:47 pm -
Here thanks to Nichole, and yes what a lovely small moment indeed.
I only have one for now but I cried for weeks when we brought her home because I felt bad that the dog wasn’t getting the love she was used to, a DOG, so yeah when I have another baby I am going to be a hot mess.
February 1, 2011 at 12:18 am -
Aw… this is beautiful. I often wonder what it will be like when we have #2. Thank you for giving me a preview.
February 3, 2011 at 12:24 am -
We actually tried for baby #2 when my son was 15 months. I wanted them 24 months apart.
At the time we loved him fiercely – still do, of course – he was a wonder and the reason we craved another so quickly.
But he was difficult. A challenge. Still is.
And his baby sister?
Easy from conception.
So when I’m being most truthful, I do not worry about whether or not she feels loved. I worry that he sees how much easier she is. That he might think we love her more because she is not as difficult as he is.
Being a mother is hard. There is so much love. And so many tears.
This post was absolutely beautiful.
thank you for sharing -
February 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm -
That’s a big thing that I’ve discovered too. Mine are very different in some ways- what works for one doesn’t work for the other. My 5 year old questions “fair” a lot these days
December 31, 2011 at 3:09 am -
Beautiful post! I bet you are a wonderful mother!